Comically Candid Novel of the Small-Town South

Famous all over Town is a Comically Candid Novel of the Small-Town South Questions of, and Answers from Famous All Over Town Author Bernie Schein Question No less an authority than your friend and best-selling author Pat Conroy (Princeof Tides) has called you “the funniest man alive.” But, he cautioned that you are the source of that superlative and have “dogmatically maintained” that title – as Pat has said – “during the burdensome decades I have known him.” How can you justify such immodesty? And, how does Pat Conroy justify calling the decades he has known you as “burdensome?” Answer Actually, I was the ghost writer for all of Pat Conroy’s books. Pat Conroy is really a pseudonym for Bernie Schein. For this, he hates me. Envy is the progenitor of hatred. And not only does he hate me, yes, as you may have guessed, he fears me. He needs my towering intellect, my nimble and agile creativity, my gift for language and okay — since we’re laying out the whole hand here — my always-tasteful flair for comedy, and he hates himself for it. Pat’s projecting his sentiment onto me, he always does. He feels I’m the funniest man alive. Do I agree with him? Yes, but coincidentally, he really feels that way. He’s emotionally immature. He’s always had trouble taking responsibility for his feelings. So as he does with his characters, as he’s done with me as a character in his books — his best one, I might add — he projects his thoughts and feelings onto me. Who can blame him? He’s human. Were I him,...

“You, you, you…”

WHEN FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT “You, You, You…” I have an innate distrust of the second person “you”, particularly when it’s directed at me. “You”, Bernie, need to do this, “You,” Bernie, need to do that, and Yes, “You”, Bernie, need to do the other thing. The message here is clear. If I don’t, whatever happens will be my fault. The message is also, “You” need to do it “for your own good.” Really? Absolutely, “you” need to listen to me, Bernie. What should I say? Aw, thank you for thinking about me, when you weren’t? Thank you for pointing out what I need, when you weren’t? Thank you for so generously considering my welfare, when you’re interested only in your own? Please. “You, you, you…” is rarely about you. It’s about the person afraid to say “I”. “You need to…” is rarely about your needs, but almost always about his. Not “almost” always. Always. So fuck “you.”...

Talk of the Town

Lowcountry Weekly September 24 Margaret Evans spent some quality time on Bernie Schein’s front porch… In this candid (only-slightly-censored) conversation, Bernie talks about growing up Jewish in Beaufort, the complicated issue of race in the South, his longtime friend Pat Conroy, and his new Beaufort-based novel “Famous All Over Town.” This is good stuff, y’all. Read the...