MY PET PEEVES DELIVERS SERMON ON COUSIN BARBARA

MY PET PEEVES Photo of Peeves barking out sermon. LikeLike · · Share Marsha Haimovitz, Louise Murray, Barbara Thompson and 22 others like this. View 4 more comments Susan Kay Asher Is that a kosher dog? November 3 at 1:26am · Unlike · 1 Lanny Pigg Bern: When is he gonna write a book? November 3 at 6:22am · Unlike · 1 Bernie Schein See? I told you. And everyone always says I exaggerate and make things up. And Pigg, he’s already blogging. The blogs are kosher. Sholam Aleichem! November 3 at 11:57am · Like Regina Carmel OMG: on our finest white High Holy Day bima coverings! November 3 at 9:47pm · Unlike · 1 Write a comment…   News Feed Irreverend Phord This is a post from my junior high teacher, Bernie Schein. Clearly, one of the influences that ensures I remain a warped individual today. Bernie Schein MY PET PEEVES Right, Peeves is my dog’s name, a mauzer, a cross between a schnauser and maltese. I call him “Pee” for short, because he is short, like most Jews. He attends our synagogue right here in Beaufort. Photo (above) of him barking out guest sermon. Hey, he was as understandable as the Israeli who only spoke Hebrew. Besides, most sermons I’ve heard were in English and they were coma-inducing. Incomprehension at least arouses curiosity. That’s what Peeves and the Israeli had in common. So relatively speaking, I would have to rate them pretty high on the Sermon Scale. And you know how everyone almost always starts chatting away with each other once the rabbi begins the sermon. Not...

THIS WEEK

THIS WEEK: November 11, 2014 @ 7pm (EST) – ARTISTFIRST RADIO NETWORK: Live interview featuring Bernie / ‘Famous All Over Town.’ NEWS FEED FROM PAT CONROY: “Bernie and I look forward to meeting more of you at the Book Festival of the Marcus Jewish Community Center of Atlanta at 3:00 on Sunday, November 16.” SEE LINKS/DETAILS/PHOTOS BELOW ____________________________________________________________ November 11, 2014 @ 7pm (EST) – ARTISTFIRST RADIO NETWORK: Live interview featuring Bernie / ‘Famous All Over Town.’ www.artistfirst.com Listen LIVE from anywhere on the planet – Click on the link: http://lin1.ash.fast-serv.com:7988/stream.mp3.m3u ArtistFirst Radio ArtistFirst World Radio Network Home Page artistfirst.com LikeLike · · Share News Feed Bernie Schein November 6 at 6:18pm · Amazon Best Sellers Rank: FAMOUS ALL OVER TOWN #60 in Books > Literature & Fiction > World Literature > Jewish #82 in Books > Literature & Fiction > Genre Fiction > Historical > Cultural Heritage LikeLike · · Share Bernie Schein shared Pat Conroy‘s photo. November 3 at 12:58pm · Pat Conroy Hey out there. I am thankful for the dedicated hundreds of you who braved the rain at the Southern Festival of Books to give our Story River Books novelists Bernie Schein (Famous All Over Town), John Warley (A Southern Girl), and Mark Sibley-Jones (By the Red Glare) such a warm embrace in Nashville. You were a terrific, generous audience and these writers made Story River proud. If you can still stand us, Bernie and I look forward to meeting more of you at the Book Festival of the Marcus Jewish Community Center of Atlanta at 3:00 on Sunday, November 16. www.atlantajcc.org/pldb-live/25771 http://patconroy.com/events.php...

MY PET PEEVES

  Since I’m a Jew, a member of the tribe with the runaway tongues who worries about everything under the sun that is totally meaningless and unimportant, here’s what I constantly get from loved ones trying to help: “Let it go, Bernie. Don’t absorb it.”   Don’t you think if I could, I would?   “Relax.”   Again, don’t you think if I could, I would? Advising a Jew to relax is like asking a narcoleptic to Hell, just get up off his ass, Man up, if you catch my drift. It’s like asking a paraplegic to try jogging. No legs? Hell, take off without ’em. You’re brain-dead? Here, try this calculus problem, give it a go, Bubba., that’s the American Way.   Here’s my favorite: “Get a hobby.”   Sure, that ought to do it. Four thousand years of anxiety, and the solution to worrying over nothing is photography? Besides, fishing makes me anxious. Too much time there to start fretting again. Golf? A Jew playing golf is a country-club Jew, playing at being a Gentile, all casual, everything in hand, everything under control, not a care in the world. Sure.   I told my wife Martha that such comments were unhelpful, dismissive, and that people who made them were trying to “fix” me, which is another way of saying they didn’t want to feel my pain, that they lacked empathy, and that, I concluded, is what is wrong with the world.   “No empathy for a man who spends his life worrying, in his words, over ‘absolutely nothing?’ Get over it.”   “Get over it?’   Right....

MY PET PEEVES

Bernie Schein October 30 at 2:59pm · I’m going to start doing a regular blog called MY PET PEEVES. “Peeves” is my dog’s name. LikeLike · ·...

A REAL COUP FOR MISS SC

  News Feed Annual “Novel” Wine Tasting, Arts, and Literary Festival was with Bernie Schein. October 27 at 8:02am · Bernie Schein UnlikeUnlike · · Share ·...

Comically Candid Novel of the Small-Town South

Famous all over Town is a Comically Candid Novel of the Small-Town South Questions of, and Answers from Famous All Over Town Author Bernie Schein Question No less an authority than your friend and best-selling author Pat Conroy (Princeof Tides) has called you “the funniest man alive.” But, he cautioned that you are the source of that superlative and have “dogmatically maintained” that title – as Pat has said – “during the burdensome decades I have known him.” How can you justify such immodesty? And, how does Pat Conroy justify calling the decades he has known you as “burdensome?” Answer Actually, I was the ghost writer for all of Pat Conroy’s books. Pat Conroy is really a pseudonym for Bernie Schein. For this, he hates me. Envy is the progenitor of hatred. And not only does he hate me, yes, as you may have guessed, he fears me. He needs my towering intellect, my nimble and agile creativity, my gift for language and okay — since we’re laying out the whole hand here — my always-tasteful flair for comedy, and he hates himself for it. Pat’s projecting his sentiment onto me, he always does. He feels I’m the funniest man alive. Do I agree with him? Yes, but coincidentally, he really feels that way. He’s emotionally immature. He’s always had trouble taking responsibility for his feelings. So as he does with his characters, as he’s done with me as a character in his books — his best one, I might add — he projects his thoughts and feelings onto me. Who can blame him? He’s human. Were I him,...

“You, you, you…”

WHEN FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT “You, You, You…” I have an innate distrust of the second person “you”, particularly when it’s directed at me. “You”, Bernie, need to do this, “You,” Bernie, need to do that, and Yes, “You”, Bernie, need to do the other thing. The message here is clear. If I don’t, whatever happens will be my fault. The message is also, “You” need to do it “for your own good.” Really? Absolutely, “you” need to listen to me, Bernie. What should I say? Aw, thank you for thinking about me, when you weren’t? Thank you for pointing out what I need, when you weren’t? Thank you for so generously considering my welfare, when you’re interested only in your own? Please. “You, you, you…” is rarely about you. It’s about the person afraid to say “I”. “You need to…” is rarely about your needs, but almost always about his. Not “almost” always. Always. So fuck “you.”...